I am perfectionist, type A personality, control freak, so when I fail at something I don't take it very well. Yesterday I didn't succeed in sticking to the diet I had chosen. I caved last night and had some pasta, and some potato chips with sour cream...and I felt horrible. Part of that is because even though I crave this food, it makes me feel like a giant salt lick. Part of it is because I have a very hard time distinguishing failing at something and being a failure.
I realize that there is a HUGE difference between not sticking to a diet and being a failure at life, but sometimes it's really hard for me. I don't fail at a lot of things in life, I've been lucky that way, and I am no stranger to working hard. So it really gets to me that my weight is something that I'm having such a hard time managing. Why can't I just do it? Why do I let food win? Why can't I just not eat things that I know are bad for me? I don't know. It hurts me everyday to look in the mirror, because I don't like what I see. I want to look in the mirror and feel pride and not failure.
I was so close to throwing in the towel for the entire week. In fact by the time I went to bed I was convinced I couldn't do this particular diet and I needed to do something that was easier. Easier. No one will ever say that loosing 50lbs would be easy. I'm so disappointed in myself, but this morning I decided I was going to power through. I will be listening to my body and if I need something that has some fat in it, I will have a piece of cheese or something else healthier for me than junk food. This is a long road and I've only just started, but I can't sit here and beat myself up about what I have done so far. I need to be able to look myself in the eye everyday and see someone that I can be proud of.
Today I am sticking to the diet. It is hard and I am hungry, but then I grabbed some of my favorite jeans that I wore all the time last summer...and I couldn't even get them over my ass. That was hard. I have to decide which I want more. Food that makes me feel crappy when I'm done eating it, or feeling good about the body I inhabit. I don't mean to be such a downer today, but I'm just not feeling it at the moment. I haven't broken my diet today, but I also haven't felt great about myself either. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.