Failure

I am perfectionist, type A personality, control freak, so when I fail at something I don't take it very well.  Yesterday I didn't succeed in sticking to the diet I had chosen.  I caved last night and had some pasta, and some potato chips with sour cream...and I felt horrible.  Part of that is because even though I crave this food, it makes me feel like a giant salt lick.  Part of it is because I have a very hard time distinguishing failing at something and being a failure.

I realize that there is a HUGE difference between not sticking to a diet and being a failure at life, but sometimes it's really hard for me.  I don't fail at a lot of things in life, I've been lucky that way, and I am no stranger to working hard.  So it really gets to me that my weight is something that I'm having such a hard time managing.  Why can't I just do it?  Why do I let food win?  Why can't I just not eat things that I know are bad for me?  I don't know.  It hurts me everyday to look in the mirror, because I don't like what I see.  I want to look in the mirror and feel pride and not failure.

I was so close to throwing in the towel for the entire week.  In fact by the time I went to bed I was convinced I couldn't do this particular diet and I needed to do something that was easier.  Easier.  No one will ever say that loosing 50lbs would be easy.  I'm so disappointed in myself, but this morning I decided I was going to power through.  I will be listening to my body and if I need something that has some fat in it, I will have a piece of cheese or something else healthier for me than junk food.  This is a long road and I've only just started, but I can't sit here and beat myself up about what I have done so far.  I need to be able to look myself in the eye everyday and see someone that I can be proud of.

Today I am sticking to the diet.  It is hard and I am hungry, but then I grabbed some of my favorite jeans that I wore all the time last summer...and I couldn't even get them over my ass.  That was hard.  I have to decide which I want more.  Food that makes me feel crappy when I'm done eating it, or feeling good about the body I inhabit.  I don't mean to be such a downer today, but I'm just not feeling it at the moment.  I haven't broken my diet today, but I also haven't felt great about myself either.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.