Not Playing Nice

Most days I go through a variety of emotions about my weight.  Sad, motivated, laissez-faire, happy, but today...today I am PISSED.  I am so tired of being over-weight.  I am tired of my clothes not fitting right.  I am angry at myself that I can't seem to get a grasp on it this time around.  I am angry that even if I try my hardest it is going to take months to get where I want to be.  It is just too much for me to handle today.  I want to scream and cry and beat myself up, but I know that it won't do any good.  The only upside that I can think of right now is that I am actually not stress eating because of this. 

I. AM. DONE. Being a fatty.  I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I have again.  I want to win this battle, but today is a day where I'm so mad at myself for getting into this shape again.  Why didn't I work to stay where I was at?  I realize that there were medical factors that contributed to my weight game, but I also know that I helped the process along.  So today I am angry.  I am pissed. I am going to make this happen if it causes me misery in the process. 

Enough excuses.  I am going to do this.  I have to do this.  That's my rant for today.

Letting Loose

This weekend was the big move for me.  This was a huge workout for me, which is great, but the eating portion of the weekend was terrible.  I didn't go shopping in the weeks before the move, and by the time moving weekend rolled around I didn't have a lot to eat.  Also, I was running back and forth all day from one place to the next.  So I ate a lot of fast food.  I also feel terrible now.

I am fine with eating badly for one day, but I really went too far with it this weekend.  There were plenty of opportunities for me to eat better than I did, but I convinced myself that it was okay because of everything I was doing.  In the end I just made myself sick.  I ate so much that I wouldn't normally eat and just kept going, and with my system not used to that kind of food.  Today I hit a wall with it, I had terrible diarrhea and I even threw up.  It hit me like a wall and I just felt like fat and grease.

I need to remember that my body feels better when I eat better.  I am really motivated to eat very well this week.  It will take a day or two to detox, but I know that it will be worth it.  I am determined to fill my kitchen with healthy options and not eat any crap.  I will make all my own lunches, and work on making sure I budget and work out as much as I can.

Hopefully this week won't screw me up too bad...but I'm feeling really slovenly right now. :(

Current Weight:  211.9

No Pain/No Gain???

So I've been working out with a veritable Nazi who creates walking routes designed by the devil himself and SOMEHOW I'm still surprised when it absolutely sucks. Want a good workout? Climb a hill while pushing a stroller. That's right, go find some little kid that you can drag along with you and push them up a freaking mountain. This does two things:

1) Totally works out your upper body because those teacup humans weigh a lot when its you against gravity.

2) It forces you to do lunges! This is great in theory, but when you wake up the next morning feeling like you spent a weekend in a Tijuana brothel its seems like a terrible idea in retrospect.

And one other thing: Unrelated to the children, but relevant to the current situation, is the fact that you should not drink beer while mountain climbing. The carbonation in your stomach increases the urge to throw up. As we started out walking last night we decided we would stop at the liquor store that was halfway down the hill. We thought they closed at 8pm and after booking it (apparently nothing motivates us like vodka) we found out that it actually closes at 7pm. It was disappointing.

So as a backup plan we decided to go to the convenience store, also located in the strip mall, and get a 6 pack to work on. Don't worry, it was light beer, therefore healthy. This was a great idea until we actually started climbing back up the hill. Then all of that refreshing carbonation that you enjoyed at the park while the children played starts to foam and bubble back up. There were a few times I thought I might actually hurl foam up on the side of the road. I guess drinking and exercise don't mix.

Regardless finding a great walking buddy and integrating new challenges into your routine. Strollers are a great way to work out the upper body on the way up and the abs on the way down. Switching off with hand weights is another good one. The best workout is one that you can do with someone and enjoy it.  

A Quandry

I’m having a little trouble.  Not with dieting, that’s going great.  Not with exercise, thanks to a friend that’s happening.  I’m having trouble with how to reward myself when I’ve accomplished something.  This last week I did a great job of dieting and working out and I lost 3lbs, so 1 ahead of schedule!  My first thought was that I should reward myself, and immediately I thought of what type of food I wanted.  And here in lies the problem. 

I don’t want to continue to reward myself with food.  That isn’t going to be productive in the long run.  I need some new ideas on how to reward myself.  I haven’t been shopping for new clothes lately, cause lets face it, no one wants to buy clothes that are that big.  I don’t really get a rush for putting money in a jar or something when I loose.  There’s only so much stuff you can own.  I need some suggestions.

It’s hard when you realize that your life has turned into a habit that you need to break.  I need to stop making food a focus in my life and instead just something that needs to happen everyday.  Not something to make myself feel better, make myself feel whole, or something that is cheering me on.  There will definitely still be times when I celebrate with food, like on my birthday I can eat ANYTHING I want, and that will never change.  Those occasions just need to be fewer and farther between.

So really, what do I do for the right now?

Pseudohypothyroidism

That’s a really big word.  I know I haven’t written on here in a while, and frankly it’s because I haven’t been able to get any of the weight off. In fact, I piled even more on.  This was so discouraging and I just didn’t know what to do.  I had no energy, I didn’t even want to (and didn’t) get out of bed for days.  This was very hard for me, because I wanted to make a change, but I didn’t feel that I could with my body and my mind behaving the way it was.  I was also grappling with some really intense feelings of depression.  The kind where you can’t get up, and everyday you want to just close your eyes and never wake up.  It was a very dark time for me and I worried what would happen if I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way.

Thankfully I have an amazing doctor.  I went and spoke with her about my feelings of depression and lethargy.  She had me go through some blood test and we found the cause of my weight gain, mood and lack of energy.  An extreme Vitamin D deficiency was causing pseudohypothyroidism.  This means that I was having all of the same symptoms of someone that is suffering from thyroid problems, but when they tested my thyroid it was always fine.  Finally she thought to test my vitamin D.  I was put on 50,000 IU a week to get the levels up and I can’t tell you what a change it has made in my life.  I have a lot more energy now, and I finally feel like I can put in the effort to loose weight and get back to the healthy person I was a year ago.  I still need to loose A LOT of weight to get there, but I finally feel that it isn’t an insurmountable goal.

So I’m jumping in with both feet.  I’m actually excited to diet again…weird right?  I am also have a great workout buddy in Melissa from ‘They Call Me Hypo’.  She has had to change her life around due to health issues as well and, to be frank, I can’t complain about diet when I look at what she has to do!  I do, however plan to steal lots of recipes from her!  I am trying to get her to kick my ass on walks, because we both have weight to loose and motivation to do it. Some days come with more motivation than others.

So today I start out again, and even with everything that’s going on, my new job, moving, living by myself…I am ready to make the healthy change in my life.  It’s good that I finally feel like a living, breathing human being again!  I am looking forward to enjoying the rest of my summer and getting svelte by Christmas!

Current Weight:  214

Failure

I am perfectionist, type A personality, control freak, so when I fail at something I don't take it very well.  Yesterday I didn't succeed in sticking to the diet I had chosen.  I caved last night and had some pasta, and some potato chips with sour cream...and I felt horrible.  Part of that is because even though I crave this food, it makes me feel like a giant salt lick.  Part of it is because I have a very hard time distinguishing failing at something and being a failure.

I realize that there is a HUGE difference between not sticking to a diet and being a failure at life, but sometimes it's really hard for me.  I don't fail at a lot of things in life, I've been lucky that way, and I am no stranger to working hard.  So it really gets to me that my weight is something that I'm having such a hard time managing.  Why can't I just do it?  Why do I let food win?  Why can't I just not eat things that I know are bad for me?  I don't know.  It hurts me everyday to look in the mirror, because I don't like what I see.  I want to look in the mirror and feel pride and not failure.

I was so close to throwing in the towel for the entire week.  In fact by the time I went to bed I was convinced I couldn't do this particular diet and I needed to do something that was easier.  Easier.  No one will ever say that loosing 50lbs would be easy.  I'm so disappointed in myself, but this morning I decided I was going to power through.  I will be listening to my body and if I need something that has some fat in it, I will have a piece of cheese or something else healthier for me than junk food.  This is a long road and I've only just started, but I can't sit here and beat myself up about what I have done so far.  I need to be able to look myself in the eye everyday and see someone that I can be proud of.

Today I am sticking to the diet.  It is hard and I am hungry, but then I grabbed some of my favorite jeans that I wore all the time last summer...and I couldn't even get them over my ass.  That was hard.  I have to decide which I want more.  Food that makes me feel crappy when I'm done eating it, or feeling good about the body I inhabit.  I don't mean to be such a downer today, but I'm just not feeling it at the moment.  I haven't broken my diet today, but I also haven't felt great about myself either.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

The Evil Diet

This week I am going to do the Scarsdale diet.  The Scarsdale diet was invented in hell...well probably not, but it is pure evil.  Basically it is low carb, high protein and very regimented.  Everything is mapped out for you on a daily basis, and you don't get to eat anything that isn't on the plan.  I did this diet once before and I lost 7lbs in 4 days.  The downfall for me was the fact that the diet is so high in acids.  I have had ulcers in the past and so I'm hoping I make it through Friday, but I'm going to play it by ear.

Everyday for breakfast I get to have half a grapefruit and a piece of dry protein toast.  I can also have tea, coffee, or water.  Lunch today will be deli meats and tomatoes.  Dinner will be fish, salad, protein toast, and grapefruit.

This is going to be my last extreme diet week for a little while.  Next week I will be starting my new job and I will be taking an easier, less stressed approach than this or Atkins.  Probably a straight calorie counting method. Also, I feel after two weeks of extreme dieting my body will need some time to readjust.  ...and I'm hoping with this diet I will be able to fit into those work pants!

There will probably be a lot of whining on here tomorrow, seeing as the second day of a diet is always the hardest for me.  I'm hoping for a great day on the scale come Friday.  I figure you can do anything for 5 days.  Wish me luck!

Here are the details of the Scarsdale diet, I have not included the meals for Saturday or Sunday since I won't be doing it by then:

Where no portion is indicated, you can eat as much as you like.

Eat until you are satisfied, not stuffed.

Between meals you can snack on carrots and celery

BREAKFAST EVERY DAY: One half grapefruit -if not available,use fruits in season
One slice of protein bread, toasted, no spread added
Coffee /tea (no sugar, cream or milk, no honey)

MONDAY 
Lunch:
Assorted cold cuts

Tomatoes - sliced, broiled, or stewed
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water 

Dinner:
Fish or shellfish, any kind 

Combination salad, any greens and vegetables as you wish
One slice protein bread, toasted
Grapefruit - if not available, use fruits in season
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

TUESDAY 
Lunch:
Fruit salad, any combination of fruits
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water
Dinner: Plenty of broiled, lean hamburger
Tomatoes, lettuce, celery, olives (limit 4), cucumbers

and/or Brussels Sprouts
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

WEDNESDAY
Lunch: Tuna fish or salmon salad (oil drained off)

with lemon and vinegar dressing
Grapefruit, or melon, or fruit in season
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water
Dinner:
Sliced roast lamb, all visible fat removed
Salad of lettuce,tomatoes,cucumbers,celery
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

THURSDAY
Lunch:
Two eggs, any style (no fat used in cooking)
Low-fat cottage cheese
Zucchini, or string beans, or sliced/stewed tomatoes
One slice of protein bread, toasted
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water
Dinner: Roast, broiled or barbequed chicken (skin and visible fat removed before eating)
Plenty of spinach, green peppers, string beans
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

FRIDAY
Lunch:
Assorted cheese slices (preferably lowfat)
Spinach, all you want
One slice of protein bread, toasted
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water
Dinner: Fish or shellfish
Combination salad (any fresh vegetables desired, raw or cooked)
One slice of protein bread, toasted
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water