Discouraged and Determined

I have had a lot of time to think the last few weeks.  Between being sick and just being lazy I have found that my mind has wandered to some dark and dreary places.  Some days I leap out of bed, filled with light and determination, like the clouds that are constantly threatening me have finally lifted.  Other days it takes all the energy that I have not to sink deep under the covers and wait for the day to be over.  I have been touting this idea of getting healthier and yet I haven’t done what I need to do to truly change things.  I have allowed myself to become complacent in my own life and accepted that this is all there is.  I know that is not true.  I was able to conquer these feelings before.  I was able to get up, get moving, pay attention to what I was doing.  I will strive to recapture that.

I will note everything that I put into my body.  I will stop making myself feel like crap, by filling my body with crap.  I will record, everyday, what I am eating, so that it will be harder to spiral out of control.  I will make sure that I am taking in only what I need to keep going, not the amount I need to hide behind.

I will move.  I will get up off the couch.  Every day I am going to get up.  No more laying around, waiting for life to pass me by.  No more waiting for my life to just pass me by.  I will get up and move.  I will ride my bike to work instead of driving the 10mins to campus.  I will remove the blankets from my couch so I am forced to sit up if I want to watch anything.  I will sift through the piles of junk that have accumulated, both in my space and in my head.  I will open the curtains and let the light in instead of cowering in the dark.

I will hold myself accountable.  It has been almost a year since I began writing this blog and I haven’t gotten any closer to my goal.  I will weigh myself.  I will record what the scale says.  I will not make excuses.  I have the power to change this and I will not hold back.  It is one thing to talk about living healthy and making a change, it is quite another to do it.  So I will hold myself accountable and track my progress through weight and measurement.  I may fail.  I’m terrified of failing.  However, if I don’t try, I will never succeed. 

I just ask for your support and understanding as I pull up my big girl panties and step out into the abyss.  I promise I will try.  I will try.