I have had a lot of time to think the last few weeks. Between being sick and just being lazy I have found that my mind has wandered to some dark and dreary places. Some days I leap out of bed, filled with light and determination, like the clouds that are constantly threatening me have finally lifted. Other days it takes all the energy that I have not to sink deep under the covers and wait for the day to be over. I have been touting this idea of getting healthier and yet I haven’t done what I need to do to truly change things. I have allowed myself to become complacent in my own life and accepted that this is all there is. I know that is not true. I was able to conquer these feelings before. I was able to get up, get moving, pay attention to what I was doing. I will strive to recapture that.
I will note everything that I put into my body. I will stop making myself feel like crap, by filling my body with crap. I will record, everyday, what I am eating, so that it will be harder to spiral out of control. I will make sure that I am taking in only what I need to keep going, not the amount I need to hide behind.
I will move. I will get up off the couch. Every day I am going to get up. No more laying around, waiting for life to pass me by. No more waiting for my life to just pass me by. I will get up and move. I will ride my bike to work instead of driving the 10mins to campus. I will remove the blankets from my couch so I am forced to sit up if I want to watch anything. I will sift through the piles of junk that have accumulated, both in my space and in my head. I will open the curtains and let the light in instead of cowering in the dark.
I will hold myself accountable. It has been almost a year since I began writing this blog and I haven’t gotten any closer to my goal. I will weigh myself. I will record what the scale says. I will not make excuses. I have the power to change this and I will not hold back. It is one thing to talk about living healthy and making a change, it is quite another to do it. So I will hold myself accountable and track my progress through weight and measurement. I may fail. I’m terrified of failing. However, if I don’t try, I will never succeed.
I just ask for your support and understanding as I pull up my big girl panties and step out into the abyss. I promise I will try. I will try.