Failure

I am perfectionist, type A personality, control freak, so when I fail at something I don't take it very well.  Yesterday I didn't succeed in sticking to the diet I had chosen.  I caved last night and had some pasta, and some potato chips with sour cream...and I felt horrible.  Part of that is because even though I crave this food, it makes me feel like a giant salt lick.  Part of it is because I have a very hard time distinguishing failing at something and being a failure.

I realize that there is a HUGE difference between not sticking to a diet and being a failure at life, but sometimes it's really hard for me.  I don't fail at a lot of things in life, I've been lucky that way, and I am no stranger to working hard.  So it really gets to me that my weight is something that I'm having such a hard time managing.  Why can't I just do it?  Why do I let food win?  Why can't I just not eat things that I know are bad for me?  I don't know.  It hurts me everyday to look in the mirror, because I don't like what I see.  I want to look in the mirror and feel pride and not failure.

I was so close to throwing in the towel for the entire week.  In fact by the time I went to bed I was convinced I couldn't do this particular diet and I needed to do something that was easier.  Easier.  No one will ever say that loosing 50lbs would be easy.  I'm so disappointed in myself, but this morning I decided I was going to power through.  I will be listening to my body and if I need something that has some fat in it, I will have a piece of cheese or something else healthier for me than junk food.  This is a long road and I've only just started, but I can't sit here and beat myself up about what I have done so far.  I need to be able to look myself in the eye everyday and see someone that I can be proud of.

Today I am sticking to the diet.  It is hard and I am hungry, but then I grabbed some of my favorite jeans that I wore all the time last summer...and I couldn't even get them over my ass.  That was hard.  I have to decide which I want more.  Food that makes me feel crappy when I'm done eating it, or feeling good about the body I inhabit.  I don't mean to be such a downer today, but I'm just not feeling it at the moment.  I haven't broken my diet today, but I also haven't felt great about myself either.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

The Evil Diet

This week I am going to do the Scarsdale diet.  The Scarsdale diet was invented in hell...well probably not, but it is pure evil.  Basically it is low carb, high protein and very regimented.  Everything is mapped out for you on a daily basis, and you don't get to eat anything that isn't on the plan.  I did this diet once before and I lost 7lbs in 4 days.  The downfall for me was the fact that the diet is so high in acids.  I have had ulcers in the past and so I'm hoping I make it through Friday, but I'm going to play it by ear.

Everyday for breakfast I get to have half a grapefruit and a piece of dry protein toast.  I can also have tea, coffee, or water.  Lunch today will be deli meats and tomatoes.  Dinner will be fish, salad, protein toast, and grapefruit.

This is going to be my last extreme diet week for a little while.  Next week I will be starting my new job and I will be taking an easier, less stressed approach than this or Atkins.  Probably a straight calorie counting method. Also, I feel after two weeks of extreme dieting my body will need some time to readjust.  ...and I'm hoping with this diet I will be able to fit into those work pants!

There will probably be a lot of whining on here tomorrow, seeing as the second day of a diet is always the hardest for me.  I'm hoping for a great day on the scale come Friday.  I figure you can do anything for 5 days.  Wish me luck!

Here are the details of the Scarsdale diet, I have not included the meals for Saturday or Sunday since I won't be doing it by then:

Where no portion is indicated, you can eat as much as you like.

Eat until you are satisfied, not stuffed.

Between meals you can snack on carrots and celery

BREAKFAST EVERY DAY: One half grapefruit -if not available,use fruits in season
One slice of protein bread, toasted, no spread added
Coffee /tea (no sugar, cream or milk, no honey)

MONDAY 
Lunch:
Assorted cold cuts

Tomatoes - sliced, broiled, or stewed
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water 

Dinner:
Fish or shellfish, any kind 

Combination salad, any greens and vegetables as you wish
One slice protein bread, toasted
Grapefruit - if not available, use fruits in season
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

TUESDAY 
Lunch:
Fruit salad, any combination of fruits
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water
Dinner: Plenty of broiled, lean hamburger
Tomatoes, lettuce, celery, olives (limit 4), cucumbers

and/or Brussels Sprouts
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

WEDNESDAY
Lunch: Tuna fish or salmon salad (oil drained off)

with lemon and vinegar dressing
Grapefruit, or melon, or fruit in season
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water
Dinner:
Sliced roast lamb, all visible fat removed
Salad of lettuce,tomatoes,cucumbers,celery
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

THURSDAY
Lunch:
Two eggs, any style (no fat used in cooking)
Low-fat cottage cheese
Zucchini, or string beans, or sliced/stewed tomatoes
One slice of protein bread, toasted
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water
Dinner: Roast, broiled or barbequed chicken (skin and visible fat removed before eating)
Plenty of spinach, green peppers, string beans
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

FRIDAY
Lunch:
Assorted cheese slices (preferably lowfat)
Spinach, all you want
One slice of protein bread, toasted
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water
Dinner: Fish or shellfish
Combination salad (any fresh vegetables desired, raw or cooked)
One slice of protein bread, toasted
Coffee/Tea/Diet Soda/Water

Week 2

Sorry I wasn't on yesterday, my power cord died.  Here are the results of my Atkins trial.

Weight:

207.5 (-2.4lbs) !!!

Measurements:

Bust:  39 (-2)
Waist:  36 (-1)
Hips: 46.5 (-.5)
Ass: 47 (-0)

Assessment:  I would like to point out that I was pissed when I got on the scale this morning and had only lost two and a half pounds.  I had to talk myself down from the ledge because I know that loosing over two pounds in a week is fabulous, but also unhealthy.  I didn't eat a lot this week, because there wasn't anything I wanted.  Also I just felt really greasy, bloated and backed up.  All that meat and cheese, not great for your digestion.  This may be a diet where you can loose a lot in a short amount of time, but it isn't a diet for me.  I will continue with it today, but I will also be figuring out what I'm going to do next week.  Oh and one final detail, LOVE that I lost the most weight in my BOOBS...yeah.  Those will always be the first to go won't they?

Shopping Extravaganza

I have learned a great bit about myself in the last couple of days. Number 1: I should be avoided on the first two days of a diet at all costs. Number 2: I love carbs and Atkins is the devil sent to punish me. Number 3: Eating almost an entire pound of bacon (a lb before it was cooked, don't know what it weighed after) isn't a great way to start the day. Number 4: It takes me two days to get to that state where you don't feel like you're starving. Number 5: I have some definite patterns in my shopping that have been blown out of the water by this diet.

I haven't bought anything that's full fat for years without feeling like it was a treat. I was standing in the salad dressing aisle staring at the different types of and thinking how good ranch would taste. The problem is I never get ranch because it's full fat and the low fat options don't taste good. Suddenly I can buy things that are high fat, in fact, it's encouraged! This seems anti-intuitive to me, but I suppose if you can't have any carbs you have to eat something. I always thought that it made the most since to eat less fat. Fat is 9 calories per gram, while protein and carbohydrates are 4 calories a gram. However I guess it's easier to cut out fats. I immediately go for the low fat options and I had to conciously decide to buy the regular format. I didn't realize how ingrained that way of thinking was to me, but it showed me if I have trained myself to do that, I can retrain myself any way I want.

So I was able to go on a bit of a spree yesterday and bought ranch. I also got a type of low carb ice cream that's only 4 net carbs per serving. It was actually pretty good, but it did have a slight yogurt like after taste. Today I'm going to eat a lot of salad, because I feel that the last couple of days I've only had meat, cheese and eggs. I need to make sure that I'm getting vegetables in there, even if they are slathered in ranch! Yesterday I thought this might have killed me, but this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm over that hump, but I better see results on the scale come Friday or I'm going to have a serious hissy fit.

Excuse Me?

So day two of low carbs and I found out something new...on Atkins you are only allowed 20 grams of carbs a day. 20 GRAMS!!! That's like...a yogurt. That basically means meats, cheese and green vegetables. I thought I could have other vegetables like onions, tomatoes, squash, but NO. Not with Atkins. Right now if I had the opportunity I would PUNCH MR. ATKINS IN THE GROIN. I am so hungry and if I eat anymore cheese I am never going to poop again.

Needless to say I am definitely a little cranky today. I'm in that stage where I'm starving, unbelievably cranky, and did I say hungry? I would kill someone for a piece of fruit. I know that in another two days or so I am going to hit that stage where you're just not as hungry anymore and you can function like a normal human being again, but right now I want to eat my through a loaf of bread. It's definitely taking a reworking of my brain to tell myself what is good and what isn't on this plan. All I can say is that there better be some serious results on Friday...or there might be uncontrollable weeping on the scale.

I'm going to go have a giant steak now and try the low carb ice cream I found. I'll let you know how that goes.

Woman vs. Squash

This week I'm doing the low carb thing, and I'm trying to find ways that I can enjoy it. For breakfast I had an egg, kielbasa, onion, and garlic scramble: it was delicious. Tonight I am going to make a healthier version of spaghetti using a spaghetti squash. For those of you unfamiliar with this type of squash it is a winter squash, like butternut or acorn squash, but actually has less carbs, and it can be shredded to resemble spaghetti noodles. I am also going to use my own homemade sauce, which is delicious and also has no added sugar.

So it begins with the squash:

I decided to cut open the squash, clean out the seeds and add some salt and pepper to it so it could get some flavor while cooking. You can cook it whole, but I chose not to.

I then put it on a baking tray and slipped it in the oven at 375*, face down (I forgot this part and had to run back and flip them over), for about 30 minutes.

When they are tender enough to stick a fork in them, they are ready to go! Take them out and shred them with fork so that they become noodle-like.  This is one half of the squash.

Pour some homemade sauce on and enjoy! I made myself a HUGE portion, but only ate about half of it. There are only 280 calories on that whole plate, and it was so filling!

All in all I would say that today was a success!  

The Carb Queen Abdicates the Throne

This weekend sucked for my diet. I went out to eat for three meals and at the moment I feel so bloated I have Angelina lips. I had steakhouse, mexican, hot dog...oy. Like I previously mentioned, I have decided for my first week of strict dieting I am going low carb. This scares me because I am addicted to carbs. I love them more than any other food group. Also, my blood sugars may plummet to new scary levels, resulting in my being a little less coherent than normal.

By going low carb I am going to stress lean protein and vegetables. I take a vow right now to not have bread, pasta, potatoes, corn, anything like that for Monday through Friday. Saturday will continue to be my cheat day, although I am going to stick with just Saturday! Sunday I will restrict my calories as I decide what I'm going to venture into for the next week. I am already thawing out some of the meat in my freezer and checking my canned and frozen vegetables. I also have a spaghetti squash sitting on my counter waiting for me to attack it with a meat cleaver.

I have never done a low carbohydrate diet before, but I feel that it is important for me. My family has a history of diabetes, and I myself am at risk if I don't get my weight and eating habits under control. I don't want to take insulin injections like my parents do, or worry about blood sugar with everything I eat. I want to find that good balance, and be able to be a healthy example for my future children. Any suggestions on low carb meals would be appreciated. I know I'm going to hate this, but I just need to remember why I'm doing this. It's not to look great in a bikini...although that is an added bonus. It's about feeling healthy and active again.

As for exercise this week and in the weeks to come, I will be training to do a 5k. I am going to follow the training plan of Couch to 5K, which means this week I will be on the treadmill half an hour every day. I will explain that in greater detail later, but basically I hate running and this will be a lot of it. I get the feeling this week is going to suck, but hopefully Friday on the scale will be worth it!

It's a Family Affair

Part of my weight problems definitely come from my family. And I'm not talking just genetics, I'm talking my mother and the fact that she loves food as much as I do. We all went out to dinner this week for a belated mother's day and we went to a steakhouse. I got ribs. They were delicious and I am so glad I'm not a vegetarian. My mother got bacon wrapped, blue cheese crusted, filet migon. I had a bite and it was amazing. The whole time she was going on about how amazing and rich it was, and I have to agree with was extremely delicious and rich. My mother and I have the same taste in food. We both love things that are bad for you. I can't count how many times we have bonded over food.

I want to be able to enjoy these things, and have these moments where my mother and I actually get along, but I also want to make that the rare occasion. I don't want to 'reward' myself with food, or make up for something I'm lacking with food. I treat food like it's a friend that is going to make me feel better. It's like trying to fill up something that is missing inside of you, by making yourself so full you could puke. I need a healthier relationship with food where I use it for sustenance and limited pleasure instead of acting like it's Rio during Carnival every time I sit down.

This is also important to me because I see how I was raised. When we got a shot at the doctors: ice cream. When we weren't feeling well: whatever would make us happy. The list goes on. I don't want to raise my kids like this. I have never been a skinny person, I was 45lbs when I turned 2, and realistically my ultimate goal isn't to be 'skinny'. I want to be healthy. I want to have kids and be able to raise them to be active and happy. I want to live until I'm 100, and see my grand kids and great grand kids. I don't want to get stopped by diabetes, heart disease, or just obesity that will limit my lifespan.

This week I'm going a strict low carb diet. I have never done this before, but I know that carbs are my ultimate weakness. Bread, potatoes, tortillas...they are all my weakness. I know that if I can give them up, or find alternatives for them, I should be able to balance out my blood sugars and have a better go at loosing weight long term. Wish me luck...and when I'm in a hypoglycemic daze, barely able to remember my own name, tell me to be strong. We're looking toward the end goal!!!

One Week In...

Weight:

209.9lbs (-4.1) !!!

Measurements:

Bust: 41in
Waist: 37in
Hips: 47in
Ass: 47in

Assessment:

I lost a good amount of weight this week, but I know that the first week is the easiest because you loose water weight.  Also the diet wasn't the best this week because I didn't have a plan and I gave in to temptation with the Sonic episode.  I hope to do better this week and also log some time in the gym.

Girl Pressure

I had lunch with a girlfriend today and I have to say that girlfriend peer pressure is so subversive, but awesome when you're on a diet. It's basically like every girl at the table is trying to eat less than every other girl. There is some sort of psychology that says if we eat more than the girl eating with us than we are the fattest person at the table. Just so we're clear this doesn't make any sense.

I was having sushi with a friend of mine that's 5'2'' and pretty skinny, not stick figure, but healthy. Of course I should be eating more than she is. I have half a foot on her. In the girly mind however, I can't eat more than her or she'll think I'm fat. Well I'm over 200lbs so I think that ship has sailed. Why do we do this? Why can't we just eat until we're full?

This same phenomenon is seen when girls share food. Whoever takes the last bite is the fatty. We will keep whittling away at a single piece of food for an eternity until someone is forced to take that last microscopic sliver or leave it on the plate and forever be labeled. Why does this make a difference? I don't have the answer to this question, but I do know the phenomenon is basically universal.

The upside to this is now that I'm on a diet, peer pressure to eat less when I'm going out is a great thing!Instead of eating and eating I am more conscious about what I put in my body because I perceive myself as being judged by the person eating across from me. Do I think she's really judging what I eat? Of course not, she's an awesome person who loves food as much as I do! However, because I believe that she's judging me, I am more careful about what I put in my system. This is the one upside I can find to this type of harmful female psychology.

I wish that we weren't so judgmental to one another, the world would probably be a happier place, but for today it has worked for my advantage. I got through lunch and I now have 177 calories left for today...great. I'll probably go to bed hungry, but I'm already thinking about green beans for dinner. I still need to work on not reaching for the deep-fried, cream cheese filled roll, but hey, because of girl pressure I only had one of those! Baby steps!

Update: Well baby steps turned into a marathon in the wrong direction. I met a friend at Sonic to hand off a package and I was only going to get a Diet Limeade...but then I got a burger. Epic fail. The scale is going to suck tomorrow.

Fat Girl...How I got here.

215 lbs...215...I stood on that scale in shock.  I had never been that heavy in my entire life.  Just 7 months ago I had been in the low 180's and now I was over thirty pounds heavier.  I can't believe I packed on that much weight in such a short period of time.  And now I need to work on getting it off.  Why is it so easy to pack on the pounds, but so hard to get them off?

I recently got out of a miserable job that greatly contributed to my weight gain.  I was working in the sales department at a for profit university and the stress was incredible.  I was almost completely stationary, being a phone monkey, and I was miserable so all I wanted to do was sleep and eat carbs.  Not a great combination for the waistline.  Now I have a new job starting in three weeks and I need to fit into my work pants again.

So in order to be at a healthy weight for my height, 5'8", I need to loose 50lbs.  It's a bit of a daunting prospect. I have decided that I will try different diets, to keep things interesting, and my goal is to loose those 50lbs in 25 weeks.  Every Friday I will weigh in, take my measurements, and assess how my week went.  Hopefully I will see myself shrink instead of staying in the murk of obesity and depression.

I plan on sampling diets from the extreme, like the Scarsdale diet, to the more mainstream, Volumetrics.  Hopefully my experiences will help other people figure out what is going to work for them, and giving you a warning of what not to try.  Also I will be trying to come to terms with the fact that my body will never be as perfect as I want it to be.  I will strive to accept it as it is, and work to make it healthier, but embrace it as the wonderful thing that keeps me going through everyday.

Note:  This post was originally posted on May 11, 2010, but was erased by Blogger.